Chapter Twenty Six - Don’t ever tell anyone. If you do, you start missing everybody.

That’s all I am going to tell about. I could probably tell you what I did after I went home, and how I got sick and all, and what school I’m supposed to go to next fall, after I got out of here, but I don’t feel like it. I really don’t. hat stuff doesn’t interest me too much right now. D.B. isn’t as bad as the rest of them, but he keeps asking me a lot of questions, too. I don’t know what the hell to say if you want to know the truth. I don’t know what I think about it. I’m sorry I told so many people about it. About all I know is, I sort of miss everyone I told about it. Its funny.


Don’t ever tell anyone. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Chapter Twenty Five - I hate the way just when you find somewhere nice, some bastard comes along and writes the words 'Fuck You' all over it!

I suddenly started to regret giving my red hunting hat to Old Pheobe as soon as I got out. I was walking round the streets like a madman. I was thinking that I might not make it across to the other side of the street safely, so I started pleading to Allie, not to God but to Allie to see me safely across the street.
The thoughts of moving west came back again and I decided I was going to just take off. I wanted to go and say goodbye to Phoebe though, and to give her christmas dough back. So I wrote her a note I delivered it to her school and everything and just as I was leaving I saw that some rotten kid had scratched 'Fuck you' into one of the walls. That annoyed the hell out of me. I saw it written more than once in that place. It annoyed me so much that I wanted to kill the person that had put it there! I hate the way just when you find somewhere nice, some bastard comes along and writes the words 'Fuck You' all over it!
I went to the museum to meet Phoebe and I was walking along of the corridors and I found another 'Fuck You' written on the wall. I couldn't rub it off. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I stood and waited outside of the museum and waited for Old Phoebe, in my note I'd told her that I was going away and all and that this was her last chance to say goodbye.
When I saw her coming up the road, she was dragging a big suitcase behind er. She told me she was coming with me, I told her she couldn't. We started arguing in the street about it. In the end I told her I would go home with her, and I meant it. But by this time she was kind of mad at me. I offered to take her to the park but she didn't answer so I walked on and headed towards the park. She walked on the other side of the road. That killed me. I knew she would follow me in the end. When we got there I was reminded of my childhood. Me, Allie, Phoebe and D.B used to come here as children and go on the carousel. I gave Phoebe some dough and watched her on the carousel. Before she went on she took my hunting hat out of my pocket and put it on my head with the ear flaps down and all and I sat and I watched her as she went around and around and around. She looked so nice and pretty and all.

Chapter Twenty Four - He was a very sophisticated guy.

Mr and Mrs Anotlini had this really posh apartment over on Sutton Place,. I used to play tennis with Mr Antolini all the time.
I rang the bell and Mr Antolini answered. Mr Antolini was a pretty heavy drinker. He had a highball in his hand. He was a very sophisticated guy.
I went in and sat down and Mr Antolini offered me a cigarette. We started talking about school and all. He got on my nerves a bit. He kept saying ‘So you and Pencey are no longer one’.
I followed him to the closet to get some blankets and stuff. He couldn’t reach with that goddam highball in his hand. I helped him take the stuff over to the couch. He turned off the light and I fell asleep.
Then something happened. I don’t even like talking about it. I woke up. I don’t know what time it was but I woke up. I felt something on my head. It scared the hell out of me. I must have jumped about a hundred feet. It was Mr Anotlini sat there, in the dark, petting me on the head. Boy I was nervous. I got my stuff and left. In a hurry. I just told him I had left my bags at the station and I HAD to pick them up.

Chapter Twenty Three - Mr Antolini was very nice. He was about the best teacher I ever had.

I had to be very quick on the phone because I didn’t want my parents to walk in on me. Mr Antolini was very nice. He was about the best teacher I ever had.
When I got back into D.B’s room, Phoebe turned on the radio and we danced for a little while.
“The front door!” I quickly ran and turned off the desk light. Then I grabbed my shoes and hid in the closet. My mother thought Phoebe had been smoking. But she just said she lit one and put it out. When my mum finally left, I said goodbye to Pheobe and I started to cry when she gave me all her Christmas money. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop.
I walked all the way downstairs and nearly broke my goddam neck. I had to be quick though, Mr Antolini was waiting.

Chapter Twenty Two - She said it was because I hate everything

Phoebe wouldn’t look at me, she was mad because I got kicked out at Pencey. I started to explain why I had been kicked out and why I was failing in all my subjects. She said it was because I hate everything. She told me to name one thing that I do like. I couldn’t concentrate though, all kept thinking about was the nuns, and a boy at Elkton called James Castle. He jumped out of the window because some phoneys were forcing him to take back something he had said and he wouldn’t, so they did terrible things to him, it was so bad that he ended up jumping out of the window because of it. I told Phoebe that I liked Allie. She reminded me that he was dead though, and she started to get sore about it. Phoebe then started to talk about what I want to do with my life. I asked her if she knew the song ‘If a body catch a body comin’ through the rye’. She corrected me and told me that it was ‘If a body meet a body’, a poem by Robert Burns. I kept picturing little kids playing a game in a big field. Thousands of kids, and nobody else around except me, and my job is to save them all from falling of the edge of the cliff. That’s all I’d do all day, save the kids. I know its crazy, but it’s what I’d really like to be. Phoebe didn’t say anything for a while and then when she did it was “Daddy’s going to kill you”. I told her I didn’t give a damn, and I really didn’t anymore. I got up and called Mr antolini, my old English teacher.

Chapter Twenty One - I had to be careful not to make a noise or else I'd get caught.

I got to the elevator, and their was a new operator who I didn’t know, I convinced him I was visiting the people who lived across the corridor to us. When I got to our place it was dark as hell, and I couldn’t turn any light on naturally. I had to be careful not to make a noise or else I'd get caught. Phoebe wasn’t in her room. Then I remembered that she likes to stay in D.B.'s room when he's away. She was fast asleep in his bed. I read through some of her school books, they had “Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield” written all over them, even though her middle name is Josephine.

Anyway I woke her up and she was pleased to see me. I gave her the pieces of the record I bought her. She kept them because she’s not ungrateful at all. She’s not a stupid kid old Phoebe and she knew I was already home. I told her they let us out early, but she wasn’t having any of it. She realized that I’d been kicked out again and kept saying dad was going to kill me. She wouldn’t listen when I was telling her about me getting kicked out, and she put her head under a pillow and wouldn’t come out.
I got up and went out in the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box on the table and stuck some in my pocket.

Chapter Twenty - I just stayed at the bar and got drunk.

I just stayed at the bar and got drunk. I asked the waiter if he would give someone a message for me, I bet he didn’t, people always let you down. I felt so drunk that I pretended to be shot.
I had my hand under my jacket, trying to conceal he fact that I’m a wounded sonuvabitch. I left and gave Sally a buzz, I tried to apologize for the way I acted.
I dropped phoebes record, "little shirley beans" and it shattered. It was dark in the park. I wasn’t able to make it to Allie’s funeral, I was ill. I then left the park and headed home.

Chapter Nineteen - Finnaly, old Luce showed up, he knows loads about sex.

I got to the Wicker Bar which is in the Seton Hotel. Finally, old Luce showed up, he knows loads about sex. I made a joke about it, he told me to grow up. I couldn’t get off the subject, I even started lying, trying to show off to him. But it just wound him up even more.
I began to annoy him talking about him and his Chinese babe. He said my mind was immature again and told me to grow up. Later on he had to go, he was strictly a pain in the ass!

Chapter Eighteen - I thought about giving old Jane a buzz

I thought about giving Jane a buzz. Only she didn’t answer. So I gave old Carl Luce a buzz, he was 3 years older than me, I didn’t like him much. We made plans to meet for a drink and I had a lot of time to kill so I went to see a movie at Radio City. It was probably the worst thing I could have done. The Rockettes’ Christmas stage show was on. It was so phoney. I used to go and watch it with Allie every year, we loved the drummer.The lady sat next to me cried al the way through the goddam picture.She had a little kid with her who was bored as hell and wanted to go to the bathroom, but she just ignored him. It kills me when you see someone cry there eyes out over something as phoney as that and nine times out of ten their heartless bastards. After it had finished I started to walk over to the Wicker Bar, where I was meeting Carl Luce. I started to think about war because the movie was about war and all. I couldn’t go to war, id rather be shot or something. I’m sort of glad they’ve got the atomic bomb invented.

Chapter Seventeen - She's always goddam late...

I went to meet Sally at the Biltmore Hotel. She looked really nice, she’s always goddam late, but it‘s worth it when a girl looks so damn nice. We horsed around in the cab on the way down. I said to her I loved her,I didn’t mean it, but I meant it when I said it.
The show wasn't great. The Lunts were okay but you just knew they weren't real people. So I couldn't watch it properly. Afterwards Sally got talking to some guy who described them as angels! goddam angels for christ's sake! I started to hate her. But then she suggested we went skating in Radio City. I went along with it.
Afterwards we went for a drink in the cafe, we just talked and I told her this plan I had. The idea was that me and Sally would run away together and get married. We would live in a place in the woods and no one would ever find us. We would cut all our own wood and everything. She wasn't too crazy about it so we ended up arguing.

Chapter Sixteen - Little Shirley Beans

After my breakfast I went on a long walk because I wasn't meeting Sally until two o'clock. I couldn't stop thinking about those two nuns.
I wanted look go and look for a record store so that I could go and look for a record for Pheobe, 'Little Shirley Beans'. It's her favourite record. She understands it.
While I was walking, there was a family walking infront of me, they looked kinda poor, but, they were happy, the parents weren't taking much notice of once of their kids who was walking in the road, next to the curb. He was singing " if a body, catch a body coming through the rye", they didn't pay any attention to him at all and he just kept singing on.
I managed to find the rare song in a store and bought it for five bucks, it was dear because it was so hard to find.
I decided to go down to the park where all the children ice skate because that's what Pheobe liked to do on sundays and I thought I might have been able to catch her there. I asked this kid if she knew where Pheobe might be, and she told me to try the museum. I liked the museum, I knew that when I got there, it would be exactly the way I remember it because it always stays the same. As soon as I got there I decided that I didn't want to go in and I just got a cab and went to meet Sally.

Chapter Fifteen - It seemed like fifty years ago!

I didn't sleep too long, because I think it was only around ten o'clock when I woke up, and I felt pretty hungry, the last time I had eaten was with Brossard and Ackley when we went into Agerstown to the movies, that was a long time ago. It seemed like fifty years ago.
I felt like giving somebody a buzz. Actually, I felt like giving Old Sally Hayes a buzz. We talked and arranged to meet. We said a precise time, but I knew she'd be late, she's always late. Anyway, I booked some tickets for a show.
I took a cab to the railway station and had breakfast in the café there. I was sat next to these two nuns, they were really nice and we got talking about my school work and where they were going to, they were asking me about subjects in my school and I told them I was good at english. I took a liking to them, and I think they did with me aswell. I offered them some money, a donation, to put into their church when they arrive home, and they took it, but I wish I had given them more. They were really nice.

Chapter Fourteen- Boy, I felt miserable. I felt so depressed, you can't imagine.

Old Sunny had left, and I felt so depressed. What I did was I started talking to Allie out loud, I do that sometimes when I get very depressed. I keep telling him to go home and get his bike and meet me in front of Bobby Fallon's house. Bobby used to live quite near to us in Maine- this is, years ago.
Anyway what happened was, I didn't end up letting him come down to this lake with us, and now I regret it. So now when I get depressed, I tell him " ok, go back and get your bike".
I was in bed when this loud knock on the door came and I knew who it was before the next loud knock came, it was Old Maurice and Sunny, they said I owed them another five bucks, even though nothing went on, and Maurice said five bucks in the first place. I finally let them in and when i refused to pay, Maurice to a few big slogs at my stomach while he pinned me against the wall, then they grabbed my wallet and took the money.
I got really depressed after that.

Chapter Thirteen- Forty-One Gorgeous blocks

I walked all the way back to the hotel. Forty-one gorgeous blocks. I really didn't feel like getting in another crumby cab, sometimes you get tired of riding in taxicabs.
You wouldnt even have known it had snowed at all, the streets were bare, but it was really cold, and I took out my red hunting hat and put it on. I didn't give a damn how I looked, I even put the earlaps down.
I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted to find out who stole my gloves at pencey, I kept thinking about how I wouldn't be able to punch them, It's because im yellow.
The whole lobby was empty. It smelled like fifty million dead cigars! I felt kinda depressed. I almost wished I was dead.
Then all of a sudden I got in this big mess with this guy who was monitoring the elevator, his name was Maurice, he asked me if I wanted to have a lady come up to my room for the night for only five bucks, I was so depressed I didn't realise what I was doing, and I said yes to him, even though it completely goes against my principles. He told me he would send the girl up in fifteen minutes and that I have to pay her.
I changed my shirt and brushed my teeth, it gave me something to do because it took my mind of being nervous. If you want to know the truth, I'm a virgin, I really am. I've had quite a few opportunities to lose it, but things always get in the way for me.
Anyway, I kept walking up and down the room nervously waiting to get it over with and then a knock on the door, I ran over to the door but tripped and fell over my suitcase, I always pick the wrong time to fall over a suitcase or something. When I opened the door this prostitue was there, we talked for a while and she seemed kinda immature, well she looked quite young aswell. I asked her where she came from, she said Hollywood. I finally told her that I didn't feel sexy enough, infact I felt depressed. Her green dress that she quickly took off before just hanging there on a hanger, and besides, I don't think I could have done it with someone who sits in a lousy movie all day long!
She finnaly left after arguing with me about the price of it, maurice said five, she said ten, I only gave her ten though.

Sonnet

Do you know where the ducks go when it’s cold?

When New York is trapped in a sheet of snow

Onto this age, my life I want to hold

When they fall, I long to protect. Hero.

Thinking of Allie with his bright red hair

Did he deserve to go? It makes me mad

Sometimes I wonder is life really fair?

He left me here with Phoebe, mum and dad

Old Jane from next door, god she knocked me out
The first time we met I knew it felt right
She’s the best girl if ever met, no doubt
Man when she smiled, what a pretty sight

So when its time for all the ducks too fly
Holden, that’s me. The catcher in the rye

Chapter Twelve- I always get those vomity kind of cabs.

The cab I was in was thise dirty, smelly, vomity type cabs. I always get those vomity kind of cabs if I go anywhere at night. What made it even worse was it was quiet and lonesome out, even thuoght it was saturday night. I hardly saw anybody on the street apart from the occasional man and woman clutching each other around the waist, or a group of phoneys with their dates sqauwking at something that probably wasn't even that funny.

I started talking to the cab driver about if he knew where the ducks went in winter. His name was Horwitz. And he didn't know. All he could tell me was that he knew the fish didn't go anywhere. He was a very impatient guy. We stopped talking for awhile after he annoyed me with fish. I asked him if he would like to come for a drink with me, but he declined.

I waited around for ages, but finally I got a table, and all of a sudden this girl starts talking to me, Lillian Simmons her name was, she knew my brother. She told me all about her and asked if I was ok and how my brother was. Then she wanted to know if I'd go and sit with her, but I told her I had to leave. I had to anyways, I left.

People are always ruining things for you.

Chapter Eleven- I got old Jane Gallagher one the brain again.

On my way out of the lobby I got old Jane Gallagher on the brain again. I got her on, and I couldn't get her off. All I could think about was Stradlater sitting in that goddam Ed banky's car, thought im pretty sure Stradlater hadn't given her the time, I knew Jane too well, I knew her like a book.I still couldn't get her off my brain. Every morning we used to play tennis and then golf nearly every afternoon. I got to know her quite intimatly. Not physical or anything. You don't have to get physical to know a girl.

I met her all because of this Doberman Pinscher she used to have. Well every morning, it used to come over and relieve itself on our lawn. This really irritated my mother, she would make a big deal out of everything and called up Jane's mother to argue about it. The what happened was I saw Jane laying on her stomach next to the swimming pool at the club so I said helloe to her. She lived next door but we had never spoken until now. She gave me a big freeze that day, and it took me a helluva time trying to convince her that I didn't care where her goddam dog relieved himself. Anyway, after that Jane and I got to be friends and all. I played golf with her that same afternoon. I'm a very good golfer, and it took me ages to try and show Jane how to hit the ball without loosing it. I was nearly in a movie but I changed my mind at the last minute. I figured if I let them stick me in a movie then I'd be a phoney if I let them stick me in a movie short.

She was a funny girl, old Jane. I wouldn't have described her as stritcly beautiful or anything, but she knocked me out. She was the only one outside my family that I had shown Allie's baseball mitt to, with all the poems written on it, she really liked to read poetry.

My mother didn't like her too much. I mean my mother always thought Jane and her mother were sort of snubbing her or something when they didn't say hello. My mother didn't think Jane was pretty. I did, though. I just liked the way she looked, that's all.

I remember this one afternoon, I was over at her house playing checkers because it was raining outside and we were sat in her screened in porch. This was the only time me and Jane ever came close to necking. It was raining like hell outside, and all of a sudden this booze hound her mother was married too came out on the porch and asked Jane if there were any cigarettes in the house. I didn't know him too well, but he wasn't the sort of who would talk to you unless he wanted something off you. He had a lousy personality. Jane ignored him so he burst back inside and Jane just sat there still, as if she was concentrating on the game, and all of a sudden, a tear plopped down onto the checkerboard. On one of the red squares, boy I can still see it, so what I did was I moved over to her side of the table and practically sat in her lap. That's when she really started to cry. And the next thing I knew, I was practically kissing her allover, anywhere, her eyes, her nose, her forehead, her eyebrows and all, her ears, her whole face except her mouth. She wouldn't let me get to her mouth. Anyway, it was the closest we ever got to necking. After a while she went in and put on this red and white sweater, that killed me, and we went to a goddam movie. I asked her if the booze hound, Mr Cudahy, had ever tried to get wise with her but she said no, I still wouldn't have put it past that lousy bastard. I never did find out what was wrong. Some girls you never find out.

Chapter Ten - If there's one thing I hate to do, thats go to bed when im not even tired.

It was pretty early and I was too awake to go to bed. If there's one thing I hate to do then its going to bed when i'm not even tired. I went into the bathroom and changed my shirt and washed. I thought i'd go down to the Lavender room and have a look what the hell was going on. By the way, it was a nightclub in the hotel.

While I was bathroom I felt like giving my kid sister Pheobe a buzz but she was only young so she wouldn't have been up. I certainly didn't want to speak to my parents. My mother would've known it was me. She's psychic. I would've liked to shoot the bull with Pheobe.

You should of seen her. you never saw a kid so pretty and smart. My brother D.B. is a writer, and my brother Allie, the one that died, he was so smart, he was a wizard, infact I was the only dumb one in the family!

I absolutely adore her! she's so pretty and has very nice ears when she puts her hair behind them. Anyway, she was somebody you always felt like talking to. I was afraid my parents would answer so I just put my shirt on and went down in the elevator to the lobby to see what was going on.

Except for a few pimpy-looking guys and a few whory-looking blondes, the lobby was pretty empty. You could hear the band playing over in the lavender room so I went there. It wasn't crowded but they still gave me a lousy table, I should have waved a buck under the head waiter's nose. In New York, money really talks- I'm not kidding. The band was Putrid, they were corny and there were hardly any people in the place that were my age. They were mostly old, show-offy-looking guys with their dates. Apart from on the table next to me, where there were these three, 30 year old looking girls, all pretty ugly, apart from the blonde one who was kind of cute, so I started giving her the old eye abit, but then the waiter came up and I ordered a scotch and soda and told him not to mix it. He then told me he couldn't serve me as I looked underage and then asked me for my drivers license. I gave him a very cold stare, like he had just insulted me and then I asked if I looked under twenty one, after I realised I wasn't going to get served I just ordered a coke instead. He said they lose their jobs if they get caught selling to a minor. I'm a goddam minor.

I started giving the three witches the eye again, I gave them this very cool glance. The three morons just started giggling to themselves. I leaned over and said "any of you girls care to dance?", I didn't say it crudely or anything, very suave infact. They just started giggling so I offerred to dance with all three of them one at a time. I really felt like dancing.

Finally the blonde one got up and started dancing with me, I tried talking to her while we danced but she kept ignoring me so I ignored her back for awhile, then she came out with a stupid remark. I kissed her dopey looking forehead and she asked me what I was doing, I told her she could dance as well as my kid sister but she could really dance over anybody living or dead, I said " She's only in the goddam fourth grade" and then the blonde told me to watch my language. We started jitterbugging and eventually sat down on her table. Not one of them would talk, you had to twist their arms to get them to talk. After dancing with Bernice and Laverne, I was dancing with Marty, she was an awful dancer, and the only thing I could think of to brighten it up was to tell her that I just saw Gary Cooper, they all went beserk, and they asked Marty if she saw him, she said she only caught a glimpse of him, that killed me.

All of a sudden, when they had finished their drinks, they got up and said they had to leave because they had to get to bed. I left the Lavender room not long after they left as it was closing and it wasn't one of those places you wanted to be unless you had someone really good to dance with.

I felt like giving somebody a buzz.

When I got off the train and Penn station, I felt like giving somebody a buzz. As soon as I got inside the phonebooth, I couldn't think of anybody to call up. D.B. was in Hollywood, Phoebe would be in bed, so I couldn't call them up. And I didn't want my parents to pick up, so that one was out. I thought of calling up old Jane Gallagher's mum, to ask when Jane's vacation starts. But I didn't feel like it. I thought of calling up this girl i know called Sally Hayes. And I knew she would be at home because she had already wrote me this long letter asking if I would come up to her house and decorate the Christmas tree with her on Christmas Eve. But I was scared that her mother would answer the phone because she knew my parents rather well and would tell them. I could imagine what my mother would of been like if she knew I was in New York. Also, Mrs Hayes didn't like me very much and told Sally I had no direction in life. In the end I didn't call anyone up.
I caught a cab from the station and went to a hotel. All of a sudden I asked the cab driver if he knew where the ducks went in the winter, but he was a kinda wiseguy, so he just thought I was winding him up.
When I arrived at Edmont Hotel, in the cab I put on my hunting hat, just for the hell of it, but I took it off before I went inside because I didn't want to look like a screwball or something. Which is really ironic, I didn't know the hotel was full of goddam perverts and morons. I was in a crumby little room with a rubbish view, out onto the other side of the hotel, and I looked across and some very strange sights, I saw a man, who pulled aload of womens clothes out of his case, and put them on and he was walking around like a woman. Then in the room almost right of his, there were this man and woman and they were squirting water out of their mouths at eahc other, it was probably highballs, but I couldn't see what they had in their glasses. I bet if I told old Stradlater about it, he would be on the first train down here, because he would have loved it, he would of been the King of the hotel! I was probably the only normal person in the entire hotel!
I really wanted to call up Jane, but it was too late. I was feeling horny aswell, and all of a sudden, I got this idea of calling up this address a guy I met last summer at a party gave me, and I finally found it. It was the address of a girl that was up for stuff, but wasn't exactly a whore. She used to be a burlesque stripper. Her name was Faith Cavendish. So I rang her up, and talked a while about the guy, Eddie that gave me the address. She wasn't up for anything because it was the middle of the night and she needed her "beauty sleep" .

Chapter Seven - It was too late too call up for a cab

It was too late to call up for a cab or anything, so I walked the whole was to the station. It wasn't that far, but it was cold as hell, and the snow made it hard for walking and my Gladstones kept banging the hell out of my legs. I enjoyed the fresh air thought. It was very cold, especially on my lip where Stradlater smacked me, but my ears were nice and warm. The hat that i bought had earlaps in it. I didn't give a damn about how I looked, everyone was in bed anyway.
I usually enjoy riding on trains, especially at night time, where the lights are on, but the windows are black. And then you get those guys walking the train with trolleys with sandwiches and magazines on. I usually buy a ham sandwich and about four magazines. At night, on the train, I can usually read those dumb stories with people called David and Linda or Marcia, you know, those phoney, lean- jawed types, and the women would always be lighting the goddam pipes for the Davids. I can usually read those ones at night on the train, but this time I couldnt, this time was different, I just didn't feel like it, all I did was take my hunting hat off and put it in my pocket.
All of a sudden, this lady got on at Trenton and sat down next to me, even though the entire car was empty because it was quite late, but instead of sitting in an empty seat, she sat next to me because she had this big bag with her and i was sitting in the front seat. She stuck that bag right out in the aisle where everybody that was going to walk could trip over it.
She looked around forty, forty five, but damn did she look good. Women kill me, they really do.
All of a sudden we started talking about Pencey and I gave her a false name after she asked me about her son, Ernest Morrow, and so I shot the bull to her for a while, because im really good at lying to people I've never met before. I called myself Rudolf Schmidt. I was shooting the bull at her about how amazing and bright and popular Ernie was, but really, he was just an idiot, a bully.
She got off at Newark. She wanted to see me again, me to visit Ernie, but I just told her I was having an operation on my brain, to remove a tumor, then I'd visit my grandmother in South America and stay with her.

Chapter Six - Some things are hard to remember.

I'm thinking now about the time when Stradlater just got back from his date with Jane. I was worried all that night. I was so damn worried. When I really worry, I have to go to the bathroom, but I can't go because im too worried. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go. If you knew stradlater like I did, then you would be worried too, I know that unscrupulous, phoney bastard.
He came in and started going on about how quiet our wing was, but I wasn't really listening, I wasn't going to break my neck telling him! He started to get undressed, I didn't say a word to him, I just watched him, stared right into his eyes, he didn't say anything either, apart from thanking me for letting him borrow my houndstooth. He took off his tie and asked me if I wrote that goddam composition for him, I told him it was on the goddam bed, so he started reading it while he was unbuttoning his shirt, He stood there, reading it, and sort of stroking his bare chest and stomach, with a very stupid expression, he really did love himself.
After moaning about the composition to me, a long silence, and a cigarette, I finally decided to ask him about Jane. When he wouldn't tell me where he and Jane went that night, I just had a feeling something had gone funny. I started to question him so much he started to punch me, then I asked if he gave Jane the time in Ed Banky's car, that's when he got really mad and nearly knocked me out. when I woke up, he was standing over me, he looked worried as hell, i would've laughed if i wasn't so mad, then he kept saying "go and wash your face" but I just ignored him and kept calling him a goddam moron sonnuvabitch! Then i got up. I couldn't find my goddam hunting hat anywhere, finally thought, I found it, I put it on, and turned the old peak around to the back, the way I liked it, then I went over to the mirror to look at my stupid face. You never saw so much gore in your life!

Rant - I hate liars

I hate it when people don’t tell me things. I really do. Especially when those things are about me. Goddam sonnasbitches! There are times when something has happened, that I am involved in and someone I don’t like knows the entire story, and I don’t even know, that really gets me. I don’t like it when people shoot the bull, just so I cant find out, lousy people, goddam phoneys they are the lot of ‘em! Like the time when this girl and I were going out, and she was cheating on me, and all of my friends knew about it, they didn’t tell me though, no, they just let me find out on my goddam own, those crumby sons of bitches. It’s like Christmas. Everybody knows what everyone else has bought you, but your not allowed to know. That kills me, as if it matters. Especially when you ask your parents what it is they have bought you, and they give you one of those stupid phoney lines like “ you’ll have to wait till Santa brings them on Christmas day wont you…” lousy people. Its sort of like a conspiracy isn’t it, where everyone but you gets off alright, and your just left, to pick up the pieces on your own. There’s always that one person that loses out. I hate it. I really do. Anyways that’s going off the point, but yes, I hate liars, even if I do my own fair share of it, but I really hate it, I loathe the fact that these people cant tell the one person that still doesn’t know, and not just that, they will get even more hurt if they leave it for this person to find out, it really gets to me, because I’ve experienced it myself, and its not a nice thing to experience. Goddam lousy morons.

Chapter Five - Phoney school

Every saturday night we had a really nice meal, this was because when the parents came on the sunday, and asked their children what they had for tea the night before, they would say something like steak or whatever, just to make it seem like a good school, to leave a nice impression, goddam phonies!
I didn't have a date or anything, so this guy from the wrestling team, Mal Brossard decided to go to see some crumby film. I wanted Ackley to come with us so I asked Mal and he wasn't to please about it, but he said yes anyways. In the end the movie wasnt even on, I wasn't bothered, I didn't feel like it anyways.

Chapter Four - Jane Gallagher.

I had nothing to do, so i decided to go down to the toilets with Stradlater. we just talked for abit while he was shaving, it was nice because it was empty, just us two, and we could just chat. it was as hot as hell, and the windows were all steamy. there were about ten sinks and Stradlater had the middle one. I sat down next to him and i couldnt stop turning on the cold water tap, on..off..on..off..on... it was a nervous habit. All this time Stradlater was whistling 'song of india' while he shaved. He had a very piercing whistle, that went right through you, and it was never in tune, and not just that, he always picked a song that was hard to whistle, even if you were good at whistling, you would find them hard. He could mess up any song. seriously.
Before, i said that Ackley was a slob, well so was Stradlater, but Stradlater was more of a secret slob. If he went out, he looked the bomb, but if you could see the razor he was shaving with it was as rusty as hell, full of crap, he didnt even bother cleaning it or anything. Despite this, he always looked good when he had finished pampering himself. Didnt make him less of a secret slob though. He was a picture perfect sort of handsome guy, not handsome as in the handsomest guy in the western hemisphere, but like, say for instance in the school year book, he was always the sort of boy your parents would ask about, thats the sort of handsome guy he was. I'll admit it, he was pretty handsome, but he was in love with himself.
Anyways, i was sat next to Stradlater, he was still shaving, and i was still turning the cold water tap on and off. I had still got my red hunting hat on, i had the peak around the back too, i got a real bang out of that hat. Stradlater asked me to write an english composition for him, because he had to read some history thing for monday, and he was taking this girl out that night. It was ironic, he was asking me to do his english composition, when i was the one flunking out of school because of my grades.
"Where'dja get that hat?" Stradlater asked me, i told him i bought it in New York this morning for a buck, i asked if he liked it, he replied "sharp", i knew he was only trying to me make feel good so that id write that english composition for him. In the end i told him if i get some time then i'll write it, if i dont, then i wont. I started to ask who his date was, Fitzgerald? he said no, and just out of the blue, i felt like jumping on the washbowl, and pouncing onto Stradlater getting him into a half nelson, then i asked him, if his date wasnt Fitzgerald, then who was it? Phyllis Smith? nope, then he said "ive got Bud Thaws rommate now...hey. I almost forgot. She knows you. Then he burst right out with it, Jean Gallagher. I nearly dropped dead when he said her name, i was so excited to see her again, i really wanted her to come up. I couldnt stop questionning Stradlater about her. I used to play checkers with her all the time, she would never use her kings

Chapter Three - I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life.

It's awful. Sometimes i just can't help myself. The slightest thing somebody asks me and i'll lie about it. It's terrible. Like when old Spencer asked me to stay for a while, and i said i left my equipment and stuff in the gym, it was all just a lie.
I lived in the Ossenburger memorial wing of the new dorms, it was only for juniors and seniors, i was just a junior.It was named after this Ossenburger guy that went to pencey prep, he made loads of money from undertaking or something. But thats off the point, the point is, he came in to do some speech that lasted ten goddam hours! The only reason the new wing was named after him is cos he gave the school a pile of dough! During his long and very very boring story about how he likes to pray to god all the time, what a phoney! He says he even prays in his goddam car...his car!!! haha, i can just imagine that big phoney bastard shifting into first gear and asking jesus to send him a few more stiffs. The only good part of his speech was when this guy sitting infront of us, Edgar Marsella, farted right as Ossenburger was describing how swell a guy he was, it was a very crude thing to do in the chapel, but it was quite amusing. We were then lectured by old thurmer about how disgusting and indecent the person was, so we tried to get old Marsella to rip off another one. Anyway, thats where i lived at Pencey. Old Ossenburger Memorial Wing, in the new dorms.
I was glad to get back to my room after speaking to Spencer, it was all cosy and warm, so took off my coat and tie, then unbuttoned my shirt collar, then i put this hat on, i bought it in New York earlier. It was a red hunting hat, with one of those very, very long peaks. I noticed it just after i lost all of the fencing equipment. It was only a buck.

Chapter Two - Spencer

He was my history teacher. He's a nice guy, but it's not his fault he had to fail me and drop me from his class, i understand that its mine, i mean, i just didn't want him to feel guilty and all.

He lives with his lovely wife, in a small house on Anthony Wayne Avenue.Now you see, the Spencers went down to yellowstone park once, and bought this Navajo blanket off some American Indian, i guess old Spencer enjoyed buying it, he kind of got a kick out of it, both him and his wife. It's a shame really, a goddam shame!
So, anyways, back onto the story, Mrs. Spencer showed me into his room, where he was sat, in these grotty old man pyjamas, wrapped up in that blanket i just told you about, with the atlantic monthly on his lap. I walked in and greeted him and stuff, then he decided he wants to talk about my history essay, about the egyptians, which yes i admit was rubbish, but it was the only thing i knew about them, and as he read it out, i felt worse and worse, he was handling my essay like it was a turd or something, it really upset me, but i didnt show it. After this he wanted me to stay and talk for a while, have some cocoa, but i really wanted to go, i was sat on his concrete slab of a bed, i coudln't of sat there much longer, so i decided that i wanted to go, and said i had to go to the gym to collect my things before morning.
As i said goodbye i realised to myself that i was going to miss that old guy, he was a good man, my friend.

Chapter One - the beggining of it all

Hey, i guessed you'd want to know a little bit about me so here goes, im stuck here, in the goddam place, with a real bad cough, they think its T.B.
I wish i didn't get kicked out of the stupid, phoney school. It was a complete waste of time, but ah well, at least i could keep it together just a little bit. my parents aint gonna be happy about all of this, like they even care about me.
My older brother, D.B., moved to hollywood, to be a prostitute, wasting his skills on these people to make tons of money, goddam phoneys.



Anyways, pencey eh, well what happened, it wasn't all my fault, they all made me look at the map, so i ended up leaving the fencing equipment on the subway. And now, i can't even bring my self to leave without a proper goodbye. I'm deciding to start from here anyways, well im on the top of thompson hill, while all those morons are watching the stupid football game down below me, i hate the thought of being near those phoneys. OH, i forgot to tell you, i got kicked out of that place, all my grades started to drop and i wasn't 'applying myself' . I mean, yeah i was glad to go, but for some reason I'd miss the stupid place, even though I wasn't up to a good standard in history, i had to go and see old spencer, he is a good man, and his wife, they are both kinda alright. So after sitting on the hill for awhile, I got up and told myself I had to go and see Mr. Spencer, so in the chilling,icy winds, I ran all the way to his house, he didn't live on the campus, he just lives down the road outside the main gates, towards Anthony Wayne Avenue. when I got to the main gate i had to have a rest as i couldnt catch my breath too quickly, well I used to smoke, until these people made me cut it out.

my hat

“This is a people shooting hat,” I said. “I shoot people in this hat.”

Life..

“Life is a game, boy. Life is a game that one plays according to the rules.”